Life is overflowing with great things.

My dearest friend, Sister Carly Lewis, challenged me last week to post about things that I was thankful for. This was a great experience for me as I was able to review my day at night and think about all the things that had happened to me during the day, and then express my thankfulness for them. But I thought I would re-share some of my thoughts in an effort to catch you up a little bit on the things I've been up to!

My cute roommates. I wondered if we were going to make it out okay at first, but they have proved to be the best thing that could have happened to me. I would give my life for these girls. I just love them too much. 

This is ice cream, but I'm also thankful for it because my roommate brought it to me after I said goodbye to my bestest friend who is pictured below. 

I am so thankful for Rachel Titensor. We've been friends since birth and she has taught me so much about life. I couldn't have mad it this far without her. 

I'm thankful for friends old and new! I've only known this girl for maybe 3 weeks, but I feel like I've known her my whole life. We may or may not sent pictures of cats to each other every morning. It's a thing. 

I'm thankful for laughter. For snapchat. And for my dearest Amy who I miss so much. 

And this. I'm thankful for this. 

I'm thankful for the feral cat that lives under my car? ((This one's a stretch))

I am thankful for God's beauty on this earth. I'm thankful for sun rises and sunsets. For crappy iphones that still manage to capture a portion of this beauty.

These CRAZY people that I get to work with on the Latter-Day Voices presidency. I'll be the first to admit that I never would have put the 4 of us together, but as we've been able to get to know each other and learn from each other, I wouldn't have it any other way. 

More of God's beauty. 

I am SO thankful for the temple. I never feel more at peace or at home than when I am here.

And the best of all the friends. I miss this girl oodles. I am so thankful that she chose to serve the Lord. Her talents and gifts have been so useful in turning others towards Christ. Her emails are the highlights of my week. She challenges me to love the Lord and keep going every day. I love ya, Sister Lewis!!

How I Survived my First Year of College

This is my advice to the average college freshman. I realize this is a little late...but I feel like it wouldn't hurt to share!

1) College is exactly like High School on steroids. More people, more school, more freedom, more homework, more tests, more drama, more fun.

2) Everyone is different. Not everyone is going to have the same "first year" college experience that you have! This was so hard for me to understand. I had so many people telling me what my first year was going to be like and when things didn't happen like that, I was so confused. Just realize that this year is for YOU. You're here to figure things out about yourself and your life. I had a great first year, but I didn't really get it all figured out until 3 months before the year was over. So just take your time, be yourself, and be different.

3) Be involved. There are SO many ways to be involved, find the way that works best for you. I love to sing and so I chose to audition for a choir through the LDS Institute. This is where I made most of my friends and where I spent most of my time. All campuses provide a wide variety of clubs and activities. If that doesn't really sound like your thing, try something else! Get a job or find something in the community. It just really helps to have a smaller group of people to interact with.

4) Don't shop at Walmart. Hahah jk. You can shop wherever you want. But here at USU, we have TWO Walmarts in the area! So pretty much that's where everyone shops. Halfway through the year, I got a job at Macey's and started doing my grocery shopping there. I saved SO much money! Part of this is because I was simply more familiar with Macey's and their items and their sales. I planned better when I went there and I ate healthier too. Find stores that you are familiar with and don't be afraid to take some time to make grocery lists or compare prices.

5) Make Institute a Priority. I can't believe I'm saying this because I feel like it is contradictory to my beliefs as a freshman. But seriously, Institute is crazy important. It's a place to meet people who share your beliefs and values. It's a place to join in activities that you know will be good, clean fun. PLUS it is a great place to be edified by the spirit. To take you out of the world and the university and just feel good. To learn more about institute or to register for classes, click here.

6) Develop good relationships with your roommates. I definitely got SUPER lucky with my roommates my freshman year. Our personalities meshed well and we just had lots of fun together. We didn't always do everything together, but one of my favorite things was we watched "The Bachelor" together on Monday nights. Just a little, simple thing that we could all talk and laugh about once a week.

So that's about it! Some lame advice from me. Do with it what you will. :)

Okay, okay, okay. So this is my LAST post about love. ((HA WHO ARE WE KIDDING)) But really.

I've been doing a lot of self improving, self loving, and rewiring in my life. And I've learned so much about myself and how content I am to just be me. I found this journal entry that I wrote back in January and I felt like I needed to share. It's become a constant reminder and friend to me as of late. Funny that I didn't believe what I wrote until now, huh? ((Also. Let me just put a little plug in on how freaking awesome journal writing is. Like I said, this was some huge personal revelation for me, but if I'd forgotten to write it down, a HUGE learning experience would have been completely forgotten.))

So here it is:

January 12, 2014

   One of my hardest challenges is being able to feel love. Particularly when it comes to relationships. I've never had a boyfriend, never been kissed (besides stage kisses. Obvi.) but I've started to wonder if I am capable of being loved. I yearn to know what it is like to share that relationship with someone. It's turned from a simple want or desire, to a consumption of thoughts. I wonder, when is it my turn to be loved?

  These are feelings I've had my whole life it feels like. But last night, for the first time EVER, I talked to my Heavenly Father about it. I got on my knees and started from beginning to end. I explained my thirst for love. To be loved, to express love, to share a unique, special bond with someone. I asked Him to take away the pains of loneliness. 

  Today during Daisha's [Relief Society] lesson, I got a hint of an answer. She asked the class, "what are some experiences that you have had where you felt God's love?" My mind flashed to being on my knees last night. The thought popped in to my head, "Emily, I love you like that. WE share a special relationship." 

  I forget that Heavenly Father's love for me is eternal and binding. It is stronger than any other love on this earth. My relationship with my Heavenly Father will withstand any earthly relationship.

   Someday, eons down the road, I will have found my future spouse and together we will create worlds and my husband will have a little girl pray to  him, asking for love. And he'll remind her of how much he loves her. And I'll be right by his side. I'll bet you anything that I have a Heavenly Mother who knows and who's felt everything that I have. 

   More importantly, my Savior, Jesus Christ knows. H eknows how big of a pint this is for me and he is struggling right along with me because in His eyes, I am VERY important. 

   I still feel lonely and I still yearn for love. But I feel at peace. And I feel strength to carry on. And I know that my time will come. But until then, I'll focus on the relationships that I DO have and improving the ones that I don't. 

So 7 months later I can say that I don't feel lonely, but that I feel whole. I still feel at peace. Everyday I try a little harder. The Atonement is not about who you've become, but who you are BECOMING. 

If you've ever felt like me, like love is lost, feel free to message me and let's chat. Because being so young and yearning for love can be embarrassing or silly. But I've been there and I know how real the feelings are. Just know that you are not alone!

My Misson, My Decision

When the missionary age changed in October of 2012, I rejoiced and raised my fist in the air to say, "YES! I am going on a mission!!" and then everyone and their dog was like, "YES! I am going on a mission!" So I was like, "Okay, cool. You all go and I'll just chill here."
When I started my freshman year, I got the feeling like I needed to think about going on a mission again. So I sort of started halfheartedly praying about it. The prayer sort of went like this, "Hey...so...am I supposed to go on a mission? .....No? Okay cool." So I just decided the answer was no and moved on with my life.
As I mentioned in my last post, during the middle of February, the feeling came back full force to reconsider serving a mission. At this time, my best friend was putting in her papers. Everyone around me was either engaged or going on a mission. And there I was, not even sure what I was going to eat for dinner.

I spent the whole week in constant turmoil. I felt like I was saying an open ended prayer to Heavenly Father. First it started out as a question - Should I go on a mission? Then it switched to, "Okay, I'm going. Is that right?" And when that didn't get an answer it was, "Okay. I'm actually not going. Is that right?" 

All week I knew I needed to call my sister to talk to her about her decision to serve a mission. As she told me of her experience, I related to it and immediately felt peace. I decided that I was going to go see my bishop and tell him my thoughts and start my mission papers. At this point, I was completely fine with going, I was just so afraid that it was the wrong decision. But I went forward with faith and worked hard waiting for the official "go ahead" or the "stop now". 

During March, I was able to come home for about three days for spring break. Those three days I was running around like CRAZY from doctor to doctor, trying to get all my medical paperwork done for my mission. The only thing was that I was doing it all alone. Both my mom and dad were working and none of my siblings new about my decision yet, so I was just working hard being all adult and taking responsibility for my life. 

At the end of the third day, I still seemed pretty iffy. My mom and I were talking and at that point I sort of had an epiphany. I said, "Mom, I don't think I really want to go." I knew that a mission would be challenging, hard, and emotionally trying, but none of that worried me because God's on my side. He would be sure to take care of his girl - whatever happened would be his will. I had to sort of take a step back and realize that I was going for the wrong reasons. I desired to have the experiences that my friends were having. I wanted to open that call. I wanted people to come to my farewell. I wanted to feel that love and support that comes when you go on a mission. I wanted people to stop asking me if I was going on a mission. It was really hard to come to terms with the fact that right now, I wasn't going. I didn't want the answer to be 'no' when everyone else's answer was 'yes'.

But let me tell you, putting off the mission was one of the best things that happened to me. There is so much growing that I've done in the past few months and I'm sure I will continue to do in the next year that would crush me if I'd been in the mission field. 

I still have time to go on a mission and quite frankly, it's on my mind more often than not. But between me and the Lord, this just isn't the time.

I have been called to serve in Logan this fall. And that is my call and my mission. What's yours?

What is Love?

Baby don't hurt me! Don't hurt me! No more!....You all thought it, so I said it. 
Tonight I went and saw The Fault in Our Stars with my homegirls Amy and Carly. I highly recommend the movie, but only after you've read the book, of course. But there is a love story involved in the story and as I was watching two young people fall in love on that big screen, I couldn't help but wonder if my version of love is completely skewed. What's great about the story is how  real and raw it is, but I realized that I don't even know what the "real" version of love is like.
As all of you know, I've never had a boyfriend, never held hands, nothing. I've been in "like" once and in "love" zero times.
So I decided I'd write what I think love is..and someday, I'm confident that I will find love and tell you that I was all wrong. ;)
Love makes your knees buckle. You see that one person and every part of your soul aches to be with them or near them.
Love is when you care more about that person than anyone else. When you are known as one person instead of two. "Till there's no one left who has ever known us apart."
Love sucks.
It's trusting the other person to make wise decisions when you aren't near them.
It's giving your whole heart to someone and allowing them to treasure it or destroy it.
Love is hard work.
It's like Joseph and Emma. The more pain and sorrow you go through together, the greater capacity you have to love each other.
Love is beautiful. It's calling someone in the middle of the night, just because you need to talk.
It's finding what you love to do together, but making sacrifices so you can each do what you love.
Love is infinite. It never runs out.
Someday I will find someone who I love and who loves me in return. And it will be hard and it will suck, but it will be good. And this wait, this pain of wanting and wishing, will all be worth it. And it will be good.

I refuse to sleep until I finish this.

You guys.
Ask me how many times I've tried to finish this post.
Now ask me how many other posts are rolling around in my head.
I seriously made a list of blog posts that I needed to write. And right now that list is longer than my summer bucket list...so gotcha.
So pardon me for just being off the blogging grid for the past 2 months. Life. Life is real.
But here is my humble (or not so humble) attempt to fill you in on some important details. Like you know, my future.
So I believe last time I talked about my future I was in a state of complete confusion. Well let me tell you, it only got worse. A few weeks later, I got the feeling (again) that I needed to reconsider going on a mission. ((This whole mission story is going to be reserved for another post, I will just be glossing over it now.)) I started thinking about it and for a whole week it was the only thing on my mind. Deciding whether or not to go was all I could think about and honestly, it was weighing me down. I finally decided to go and see my bishop to see what it would even take to start my papers. After the interview, I started my papers and was about 80% sure that I was going on a mission. After a week of running around to what felt like a million doctors appointments, I sort of had an epiphany. While I desire to have these experiences that my friends were having and to do everything that came with a mission, my ultimate desire to just go was not all there. It wasn't a fear that I couldn't do it or that it would be too hard, it was just the wrong timing. ((Again, more detailed post about the mish coming soon.))
So on the long drive from Orem to Logan, I had a little heart to heart with myself. I thought, "What is it that I desire? What do I really WANT to do?" Obviously the answer to that question is beauty school. It's always been my dream. The thought came that I wouldn't regret not becoming a teacher, but I would always wonder what would have happened if I went to beauty school.
From that point on, I was all beauty school. I told my roommates I wasn't coming back, my employer, I didn't sign up for housing, the only thing left to do was to tell my choir director.
One day in choir, we had to put either a "Yes" or a "No" next to our names to indicate whether or not we would be returning in the fall. When the paper came to me, I just couldn't write "No." The thought, "What if I needed you to stay?" popped into my head. My solution? Put a question mark next to my name and move along.
About a week later, my director called me into his office and said that they were in the midst of choosing the presidency for choir next year and that my name had come up. He knew of my decision to not come back to Logan, but asked if I would reconsider, should the call come. At first I was completely thrown off. Tears were shed - I had a plan! But I knew that if the call would come, it would be from God and I simply couldn't argue with that. In addition to that, the more I thought about it, the more it made sense in my head. Staying in Logan for another year seemed so perfect. More than anything, it FELT right. So I told my director that I would stay if the call came.

3 weeks passed.

Every time the phone rang, my heart skipped a beat. But I heard nothing. Nothing was announced in choir and no call had been extended. Those 3 weeks were extremely hard. I was fine if the call wasn't extended - that was not a huge issue. But I was so confused because I felt like I had finally found what was going to be right, and it still wasn't working out. So many tears were shed and so many nights were sleepless with worry.
And then one day it all fell into place. I finally went in and talked to my director because I needed to know if I should sign up for classes. He told me that a call would be coming. That night I signed up for classes, told my roommates that I was actually staying, and felt better than ever in my life.
Soon enough the call was extended and everything was set in stone for me to go back to USU next fall.

I feel so much peace about my decision. I kid you not - for 3 months I was in constant anxiety because I didn't know what to do with my life. But every day of that was so worth it because I know that I'm doing exactly what I need to be.
So yes, next year I will be a returning student at Utah State. Currently signed up to finish my Associate Degree, but also looking into Theater Education and Human Development. We're putting the ELED on hold for a season. I will be serving as a Vice President over the Latter-Day Voice Choir. I am excited and nervous and intimidated and freaking out all at once.

So I think that sufficiently catches you up on my future. I stayed up way too late for too many nights writing this. So if you are disappointed that it isn't brilliant, get over yourself and find another blog to read.

I think I should write greeting cards.
Peace.

AFTER the trial of my faith.

There are so many things that I could say in this post and so many explanations that I feel like I might owe to my readers (HA. I say this like I have a fan base..what a joke.) however, it's not time for that. These past few weeks have been physically, emotionally, and spiritually trying, but I have learned SO much. Nights of anxiety and silent battles have slowly faded away. Now I'm left with the good stuff. The knowledge that I gained as I cried over my scriptures or called my parents in despair. And some of it is really awesome so I just have to share.

Most of you know that I've been really anxious about my future. Mission vs School vs Beauty School. Over and over and over in my head. I started heading in one direction. But a little epiphany and one conversation later put that direction on hold. And these words rang in my head, "It doesn't matter as much what career you choose. Heavenly Father wants you to give yourself to Him and become a good person like Him." My daddy's a smart one, no?
And then this quote, "Anything that a woman does with full purpose of heart, with an eye to the glory of God, as an expression of her dedication to doing what the Lord asks of her individual talents and abilities for the betterment of people and thereby society, is worthwhile and valuable work - is ordained of God." -HDH

And then this video.

And then I was still racked with pain and indecision. I had a blessing, I was going to the temple, I studied my scriptures, I fasted, I was praying my little heart out, but still nothing. BUT I DIDN'T GIVE UP. I knew that it would come eventually. All I needed was peace.

And then it started to come. I forgot that healing is a process. I forgot that just like revelation, peace doesn't always come over night. Sometimes it slowly creeps up on you, after you've worked and worked and worked. I forgot that sometimes you have to have faith and work and then work some more.
I forgot that just because I was willing to give myself to the Lord didn't mean that it was going to be rainbows and butterflies!
Ether 12.6
6 And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that ^afaith is things which are^bhoped for and ^cnot seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no ^dwitness until after the ^etrial of your faith.

And then this blog post.
http://aspiringmormonwomen.org/2014/04/02/deliverance/

So life is good. I'm back. I'm up and running.
More details about my life to come. :)