I've been doing a lot of self improving, self loving, and rewiring in my life. And I've learned so much about myself and how content I am to just be me. I found this journal entry that I wrote back in January and I felt like I needed to share. It's become a constant reminder and friend to me as of late. Funny that I didn't believe what I wrote until now, huh? ((Also. Let me just put a little plug in on how freaking awesome journal writing is. Like I said, this was some huge personal revelation for me, but if I'd forgotten to write it down, a HUGE learning experience would have been completely forgotten.))
So here it is:
January 12, 2014
One of my hardest challenges is being able to feel love. Particularly when it comes to relationships. I've never had a boyfriend, never been kissed (besides stage kisses. Obvi.) but I've started to wonder if I am capable of being loved. I yearn to know what it is like to share that relationship with someone. It's turned from a simple want or desire, to a consumption of thoughts. I wonder, when is it my turn to be loved?
These are feelings I've had my whole life it feels like. But last night, for the first time EVER, I talked to my Heavenly Father about it. I got on my knees and started from beginning to end. I explained my thirst for love. To be loved, to express love, to share a unique, special bond with someone. I asked Him to take away the pains of loneliness.
Today during Daisha's [Relief Society] lesson, I got a hint of an answer. She asked the class, "what are some experiences that you have had where you felt God's love?" My mind flashed to being on my knees last night. The thought popped in to my head, "Emily, I love you like that. WE share a special relationship."
I forget that Heavenly Father's love for me is eternal and binding. It is stronger than any other love on this earth. My relationship with my Heavenly Father will withstand any earthly relationship.
Someday, eons down the road, I will have found my future spouse and together we will create worlds and my husband will have a little girl pray to him, asking for love. And he'll remind her of how much he loves her. And I'll be right by his side. I'll bet you anything that I have a Heavenly Mother who knows and who's felt everything that I have.
More importantly, my Savior, Jesus Christ knows. H eknows how big of a pint this is for me and he is struggling right along with me because in His eyes, I am VERY important.
I still feel lonely and I still yearn for love. But I feel at peace. And I feel strength to carry on. And I know that my time will come. But until then, I'll focus on the relationships that I DO have and improving the ones that I don't.
So 7 months later I can say that I don't feel lonely, but that I feel whole. I still feel at peace. Everyday I try a little harder. The Atonement is not about who you've become, but who you are BECOMING.
If you've ever felt like me, like love is lost, feel free to message me and let's chat. Because being so young and yearning for love can be embarrassing or silly. But I've been there and I know how real the feelings are. Just know that you are not alone!
