My Misson, My Decision

When the missionary age changed in October of 2012, I rejoiced and raised my fist in the air to say, "YES! I am going on a mission!!" and then everyone and their dog was like, "YES! I am going on a mission!" So I was like, "Okay, cool. You all go and I'll just chill here."
When I started my freshman year, I got the feeling like I needed to think about going on a mission again. So I sort of started halfheartedly praying about it. The prayer sort of went like this, "Hey...so...am I supposed to go on a mission? .....No? Okay cool." So I just decided the answer was no and moved on with my life.
As I mentioned in my last post, during the middle of February, the feeling came back full force to reconsider serving a mission. At this time, my best friend was putting in her papers. Everyone around me was either engaged or going on a mission. And there I was, not even sure what I was going to eat for dinner.

I spent the whole week in constant turmoil. I felt like I was saying an open ended prayer to Heavenly Father. First it started out as a question - Should I go on a mission? Then it switched to, "Okay, I'm going. Is that right?" And when that didn't get an answer it was, "Okay. I'm actually not going. Is that right?" 

All week I knew I needed to call my sister to talk to her about her decision to serve a mission. As she told me of her experience, I related to it and immediately felt peace. I decided that I was going to go see my bishop and tell him my thoughts and start my mission papers. At this point, I was completely fine with going, I was just so afraid that it was the wrong decision. But I went forward with faith and worked hard waiting for the official "go ahead" or the "stop now". 

During March, I was able to come home for about three days for spring break. Those three days I was running around like CRAZY from doctor to doctor, trying to get all my medical paperwork done for my mission. The only thing was that I was doing it all alone. Both my mom and dad were working and none of my siblings new about my decision yet, so I was just working hard being all adult and taking responsibility for my life. 

At the end of the third day, I still seemed pretty iffy. My mom and I were talking and at that point I sort of had an epiphany. I said, "Mom, I don't think I really want to go." I knew that a mission would be challenging, hard, and emotionally trying, but none of that worried me because God's on my side. He would be sure to take care of his girl - whatever happened would be his will. I had to sort of take a step back and realize that I was going for the wrong reasons. I desired to have the experiences that my friends were having. I wanted to open that call. I wanted people to come to my farewell. I wanted to feel that love and support that comes when you go on a mission. I wanted people to stop asking me if I was going on a mission. It was really hard to come to terms with the fact that right now, I wasn't going. I didn't want the answer to be 'no' when everyone else's answer was 'yes'.

But let me tell you, putting off the mission was one of the best things that happened to me. There is so much growing that I've done in the past few months and I'm sure I will continue to do in the next year that would crush me if I'd been in the mission field. 

I still have time to go on a mission and quite frankly, it's on my mind more often than not. But between me and the Lord, this just isn't the time.

I have been called to serve in Logan this fall. And that is my call and my mission. What's yours?

What is Love?

Baby don't hurt me! Don't hurt me! No more!....You all thought it, so I said it. 
Tonight I went and saw The Fault in Our Stars with my homegirls Amy and Carly. I highly recommend the movie, but only after you've read the book, of course. But there is a love story involved in the story and as I was watching two young people fall in love on that big screen, I couldn't help but wonder if my version of love is completely skewed. What's great about the story is how  real and raw it is, but I realized that I don't even know what the "real" version of love is like.
As all of you know, I've never had a boyfriend, never held hands, nothing. I've been in "like" once and in "love" zero times.
So I decided I'd write what I think love is..and someday, I'm confident that I will find love and tell you that I was all wrong. ;)
Love makes your knees buckle. You see that one person and every part of your soul aches to be with them or near them.
Love is when you care more about that person than anyone else. When you are known as one person instead of two. "Till there's no one left who has ever known us apart."
Love sucks.
It's trusting the other person to make wise decisions when you aren't near them.
It's giving your whole heart to someone and allowing them to treasure it or destroy it.
Love is hard work.
It's like Joseph and Emma. The more pain and sorrow you go through together, the greater capacity you have to love each other.
Love is beautiful. It's calling someone in the middle of the night, just because you need to talk.
It's finding what you love to do together, but making sacrifices so you can each do what you love.
Love is infinite. It never runs out.
Someday I will find someone who I love and who loves me in return. And it will be hard and it will suck, but it will be good. And this wait, this pain of wanting and wishing, will all be worth it. And it will be good.

I refuse to sleep until I finish this.

You guys.
Ask me how many times I've tried to finish this post.
Now ask me how many other posts are rolling around in my head.
I seriously made a list of blog posts that I needed to write. And right now that list is longer than my summer bucket list...so gotcha.
So pardon me for just being off the blogging grid for the past 2 months. Life. Life is real.
But here is my humble (or not so humble) attempt to fill you in on some important details. Like you know, my future.
So I believe last time I talked about my future I was in a state of complete confusion. Well let me tell you, it only got worse. A few weeks later, I got the feeling (again) that I needed to reconsider going on a mission. ((This whole mission story is going to be reserved for another post, I will just be glossing over it now.)) I started thinking about it and for a whole week it was the only thing on my mind. Deciding whether or not to go was all I could think about and honestly, it was weighing me down. I finally decided to go and see my bishop to see what it would even take to start my papers. After the interview, I started my papers and was about 80% sure that I was going on a mission. After a week of running around to what felt like a million doctors appointments, I sort of had an epiphany. While I desire to have these experiences that my friends were having and to do everything that came with a mission, my ultimate desire to just go was not all there. It wasn't a fear that I couldn't do it or that it would be too hard, it was just the wrong timing. ((Again, more detailed post about the mish coming soon.))
So on the long drive from Orem to Logan, I had a little heart to heart with myself. I thought, "What is it that I desire? What do I really WANT to do?" Obviously the answer to that question is beauty school. It's always been my dream. The thought came that I wouldn't regret not becoming a teacher, but I would always wonder what would have happened if I went to beauty school.
From that point on, I was all beauty school. I told my roommates I wasn't coming back, my employer, I didn't sign up for housing, the only thing left to do was to tell my choir director.
One day in choir, we had to put either a "Yes" or a "No" next to our names to indicate whether or not we would be returning in the fall. When the paper came to me, I just couldn't write "No." The thought, "What if I needed you to stay?" popped into my head. My solution? Put a question mark next to my name and move along.
About a week later, my director called me into his office and said that they were in the midst of choosing the presidency for choir next year and that my name had come up. He knew of my decision to not come back to Logan, but asked if I would reconsider, should the call come. At first I was completely thrown off. Tears were shed - I had a plan! But I knew that if the call would come, it would be from God and I simply couldn't argue with that. In addition to that, the more I thought about it, the more it made sense in my head. Staying in Logan for another year seemed so perfect. More than anything, it FELT right. So I told my director that I would stay if the call came.

3 weeks passed.

Every time the phone rang, my heart skipped a beat. But I heard nothing. Nothing was announced in choir and no call had been extended. Those 3 weeks were extremely hard. I was fine if the call wasn't extended - that was not a huge issue. But I was so confused because I felt like I had finally found what was going to be right, and it still wasn't working out. So many tears were shed and so many nights were sleepless with worry.
And then one day it all fell into place. I finally went in and talked to my director because I needed to know if I should sign up for classes. He told me that a call would be coming. That night I signed up for classes, told my roommates that I was actually staying, and felt better than ever in my life.
Soon enough the call was extended and everything was set in stone for me to go back to USU next fall.

I feel so much peace about my decision. I kid you not - for 3 months I was in constant anxiety because I didn't know what to do with my life. But every day of that was so worth it because I know that I'm doing exactly what I need to be.
So yes, next year I will be a returning student at Utah State. Currently signed up to finish my Associate Degree, but also looking into Theater Education and Human Development. We're putting the ELED on hold for a season. I will be serving as a Vice President over the Latter-Day Voice Choir. I am excited and nervous and intimidated and freaking out all at once.

So I think that sufficiently catches you up on my future. I stayed up way too late for too many nights writing this. So if you are disappointed that it isn't brilliant, get over yourself and find another blog to read.

I think I should write greeting cards.
Peace.

AFTER the trial of my faith.

There are so many things that I could say in this post and so many explanations that I feel like I might owe to my readers (HA. I say this like I have a fan base..what a joke.) however, it's not time for that. These past few weeks have been physically, emotionally, and spiritually trying, but I have learned SO much. Nights of anxiety and silent battles have slowly faded away. Now I'm left with the good stuff. The knowledge that I gained as I cried over my scriptures or called my parents in despair. And some of it is really awesome so I just have to share.

Most of you know that I've been really anxious about my future. Mission vs School vs Beauty School. Over and over and over in my head. I started heading in one direction. But a little epiphany and one conversation later put that direction on hold. And these words rang in my head, "It doesn't matter as much what career you choose. Heavenly Father wants you to give yourself to Him and become a good person like Him." My daddy's a smart one, no?
And then this quote, "Anything that a woman does with full purpose of heart, with an eye to the glory of God, as an expression of her dedication to doing what the Lord asks of her individual talents and abilities for the betterment of people and thereby society, is worthwhile and valuable work - is ordained of God." -HDH

And then this video.

And then I was still racked with pain and indecision. I had a blessing, I was going to the temple, I studied my scriptures, I fasted, I was praying my little heart out, but still nothing. BUT I DIDN'T GIVE UP. I knew that it would come eventually. All I needed was peace.

And then it started to come. I forgot that healing is a process. I forgot that just like revelation, peace doesn't always come over night. Sometimes it slowly creeps up on you, after you've worked and worked and worked. I forgot that sometimes you have to have faith and work and then work some more.
I forgot that just because I was willing to give myself to the Lord didn't mean that it was going to be rainbows and butterflies!
Ether 12.6
6 And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that ^afaith is things which are^bhoped for and ^cnot seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no ^dwitness until after the ^etrial of your faith.

And then this blog post.
http://aspiringmormonwomen.org/2014/04/02/deliverance/

So life is good. I'm back. I'm up and running.
More details about my life to come. :)

I'm just special.

I know what you all have been thinking. Wow! I wish Emily would post more about her embarrassing life!
Never fear. Your dreams are coming true today.
I recently managed to get myself a job at my local Macey's grocery store. Right now I'm a bagger so it's pretty easy work, the hours aren't tough, and it's been pretty good. Today was the beginning of our "Case Lot" sale. Pretty much they just sell a bunch of stuff in bulk for super cheap - but it mostly includes cans. Lots and lots of cans.
The plus side to this is that the cans are usually bought by the case (hence the name "case lot") so we can just scan one can from the case and move along.
WELL.
I had some serious issues with getting the scanner in the perfect angle to scan the can without unwrapping the case. Instead, I ended up just destroying the wrapping of the case, grabbing a single can out, and scanning it. It was taking AGES and I was so embarrassed!
This was at one cash register. After failing multiple times there, I moved down to another cash register. This one being run by a rather handsome young man. Very nice. Very polite. Pretty funny. Hoping I could impress him with my can scanning skills, I eagerly met the customer with the scanner to get all their cans. I struggled for a bit, but with the help and guidance of cashier man, I was able to successfully scan the case of cans without damaging the wrapping! I was so excited that I let out this...noise. Not like a "hooray!" or "yeah!" but more like a duck quack...or a horn. It wouldn't have been too embarrassing except it was LOUD. It was like I completely lost my composure and made a fool of myself.
"That was pretty loud!" I said.
"Yeah...yeah it was." He responded.
We all laughed it off, I regained my composure, work went on.
The next cart full of cans, I was at the ready with my scanner. "Don't get too excited!" Cashier man joked.
"Oh, I'll try not too," was my nervous reply.
I got to the cart and turned into a scanning machine. I was doing so well! All without any loud noises coming from my mouth. I scanned the last item, happy with my success. At this point, I was behind the shopping cart, underneath the handle. With every ounce of vigor and vim, I stood up and BAAAMMM. I hit my head on the cart handle. HARD.
Are you kidding me???
"You're welcome!" was my reply as I stood up. "I'm actually just here for entertainment."
Seriously. I'm like a walking circus.
Needless to say, we had plenty of things to laugh about during my long shift. Hopefully it entertained you as much as it did my coworkers and myself.
God bless America.

Pride Ruled My Will

Last weekend. It was maybe the best and the worst weekend of my entire life.
Friday was Valentine's Day. And instead of getting in my pajama's and watching Netflix while stuffing my face with chocolate, I was in Salt Lake. My choir was able to participate in the Church Music Festival. Composers from all over the world wrote songs, turned them in, and winners were chosen. We were given a huge spiral bound book of all the winner's songs and we sang them in the Assembly Hall on Temple Square.
Now, before I get into details, I want to emphasize what a wonderful night it was. The spirit was SO strong - overwhelming even. Angels were clearly with us as we sang. Suddenly we were able to remember words, notes, and rhythms; our tone, diction, and sound was beautiful. It was powerful.
For this performance I was asked to sing a solo. The song is familiar, "Lead, Kindly Light" but the arrangement was different and it was difficult for me to learn.
On top of that, I felt an immense amount of pressure from myself to do well. All through high school, I never felt like my contribution was appreciated, particularly in my drama and choir departments. I constantly heard things like, "You're very talented, but we need to give someone else a chance." or "You could have played any role, but we needed to give it to other people." As a result, I felt like I never really got the chance to prove myself or showcase my talent. And when I was given a chance, the pressure was on. I felt like I'd better not disappoint because such great things were expected of me. I would be so worried about impressing, that I forgot the talent I really did have and ended up delivering a pretty crappy performance.
That being said, I don't particularly blame my director or choir teacher for this. Yes, in many cases, things were said that should not have been, but for the most part, it was my own fault. I put the pressure on myself and let too many bad thoughts creep into my head.
My life.
Every since being in Latter-Day Voices, things have been a little different. I've felt like my talent is recognized. I have felt loved and encouraged and noticed. I have felt like my director notices my talent and has been willing to let me share it with other people. My hard work does not go by unnoticed, and my contribution is appreciated.
So back to my solo. The solo was given to me and it was hard. Immediately feelings from high school crept back in. Before I even rehearsed, I set myself up for failure.
This is it. This is my "big break" and I have to prove to everyone that I deserve this solo. Everyone in choir hates that I got it. I'm going to do bad. I want to do good. I have to impress and inspire. I have to bring the spirit. This is too hard for me.
Are some of this thoughts ridiculous? Absolutely. Are they real? 100%.
Performance time came and I was more nervous than ever in my life. I was paralyzed with fear. Nothing that anyone said could take away my feelings or my fear. I began the song and things were going well. ...until the second verse. At which point, I forgot the words. But I kept singing. I didn't pause, I didn't make a face, I just kept going. I sang the words, "I loved the garish day and spite of fears," three times in a row. And then finally got to the next line, "pride ruled my will. Remember not past years."
Only today am I realizing the significance of this line.
That night, I came home and cried and cried and cried.I had finished the song strong and felt like I had done my part, but again, nothing anybody said had meaning. I was incredibly upset. All weekend I pleaded with my Heavenly Father for peace, to be satisfied with my performance. And still, nothing. I was so disappointed with myself. All week, I tried to damper the feeling. I didn't want to get over it, but if I buried it deep enough, I wouldn't have to worry about it. Instead it just sat inside of me. Taunting me and festering me.
I thought writing a blog post about self-confidence would take away the feeling, but writing that didn't work. Instead I came up with this post. I realized just how much "pride ruled my will." I am blessed with an incredible talent. That talent is NOT my voice. That talent is to be able to communicate my testimony through song. That talent is to uplift and connect with people through music. That talent is to take my knowledge and inspire other people to gain their own, through music.
My choir teacher always said, "The purpose of music is not to impress, but to inspire."
How could I forget that?? Pride ruled my will.
I'm still incredibly embarrassed. I feel like I had one chance, and I choked. I feel like my performance was not acceptable.
But I have to move on. "Remember not past years."
Jesus loves me no matter what. This week has been extremely hard. I'm in this rut that I can't get out of. But I'm striving to figure out what I'm supposed to learn here. I've already learned so much! But I have so much more to learn. So please bear with me. If I'm overly moody or break into tears, just know that I'm working on it.
Thanks for reading this super long post.
Also, don't blame my high school directors for anything. They're people too and working just as hard as I am.

Two paths, two worlds, two choices

As most of you know, I am currently studying Elementary Education at Utah State. What most of you may not know is that it hasn't exactly been my cup of tea. I did not enjoy my entry level class and the application process into the program is very time consuming and costly. Essentially you have to be all in or all out. Except I don't know if I'm in or I'm out! I know that I am completely capable of getting into the program and working hard and being fantastic...but I don't know if my heart really lies in the teaching field.

What I really love is to get to know people. I love to make relationships with people and hear their stories. Everyone has something different to share - something to teach and thrive off of learning about that! My two childhood career dreams were to to become a teacher or go to beauty school.

Teaching requires you to get to know your students on a deep level - especially elementary school teaching. You have to know and understand the students needs, wants, desires, etc. Knowing their background and their family also helps you understand the way they learn and you can help them. All of this is appealing to me. I love children and it incorporates things that I love to do.

I have ALWAYS dreamed of going to beauty school. At first, I worried that people would judge me and think that I wasn't smart. I got over that really quickly. My next worry became that it wasn't a realistic career choice. It was a fun idea, but it could never really happen. When I decided that I really did love making relationships with people and hearing their stories, cosmetology obviously seemed like the perfect. Let's be real, beauticians are like therapists. There is something about sitting in that chair that makes people comfortable and easy to talk to. I love this idea. I love doing hair, I love making people feel beautiful, and I love talking and helping them relax!

I've done an internship and spent hours in classrooms. I work with children frequently and I know that I like this career option. The schooling is hard, but I know that I am capable and prepared to get my hands dirty and start working.

I've shadowed a beautician and toured a beauty school. I love the environment, I love the excitement of this career option. The schooling is equally challenging and very expensive, but I know that I am again, capable of doing it.

I can see myself in both career options. I can see myself in the front of a classroom teaching a room full of eager, excited children. I feel comfortable with this choice.It feels natural and simple. But I can see myself cutting hair too. I can see myself running a salon out of my home and raising a family. I like the non-traditional feel that this career path has. I like the idea of being different and doing something outside of my comfort zone.

Teaching is a career that would be put on hold while I raise my family, cutting hair is not.
Elementary Education will take me 4 years, Beauty school will take me 1 year.

So I feel like I have to choose one or the other. Although sometimes I think :

But that would be SO much time and money!! What if I get married? I don't want either dream to be squashed. I need one or the other. But why not both?

The struggle is real with decision making today. 

What are your thoughts? In the end, this is ultimately my decision, but I'd love your opinions!