Pride Ruled My Will

Last weekend. It was maybe the best and the worst weekend of my entire life.
Friday was Valentine's Day. And instead of getting in my pajama's and watching Netflix while stuffing my face with chocolate, I was in Salt Lake. My choir was able to participate in the Church Music Festival. Composers from all over the world wrote songs, turned them in, and winners were chosen. We were given a huge spiral bound book of all the winner's songs and we sang them in the Assembly Hall on Temple Square.
Now, before I get into details, I want to emphasize what a wonderful night it was. The spirit was SO strong - overwhelming even. Angels were clearly with us as we sang. Suddenly we were able to remember words, notes, and rhythms; our tone, diction, and sound was beautiful. It was powerful.
For this performance I was asked to sing a solo. The song is familiar, "Lead, Kindly Light" but the arrangement was different and it was difficult for me to learn.
On top of that, I felt an immense amount of pressure from myself to do well. All through high school, I never felt like my contribution was appreciated, particularly in my drama and choir departments. I constantly heard things like, "You're very talented, but we need to give someone else a chance." or "You could have played any role, but we needed to give it to other people." As a result, I felt like I never really got the chance to prove myself or showcase my talent. And when I was given a chance, the pressure was on. I felt like I'd better not disappoint because such great things were expected of me. I would be so worried about impressing, that I forgot the talent I really did have and ended up delivering a pretty crappy performance.
That being said, I don't particularly blame my director or choir teacher for this. Yes, in many cases, things were said that should not have been, but for the most part, it was my own fault. I put the pressure on myself and let too many bad thoughts creep into my head.
My life.
Every since being in Latter-Day Voices, things have been a little different. I've felt like my talent is recognized. I have felt loved and encouraged and noticed. I have felt like my director notices my talent and has been willing to let me share it with other people. My hard work does not go by unnoticed, and my contribution is appreciated.
So back to my solo. The solo was given to me and it was hard. Immediately feelings from high school crept back in. Before I even rehearsed, I set myself up for failure.
This is it. This is my "big break" and I have to prove to everyone that I deserve this solo. Everyone in choir hates that I got it. I'm going to do bad. I want to do good. I have to impress and inspire. I have to bring the spirit. This is too hard for me.
Are some of this thoughts ridiculous? Absolutely. Are they real? 100%.
Performance time came and I was more nervous than ever in my life. I was paralyzed with fear. Nothing that anyone said could take away my feelings or my fear. I began the song and things were going well. ...until the second verse. At which point, I forgot the words. But I kept singing. I didn't pause, I didn't make a face, I just kept going. I sang the words, "I loved the garish day and spite of fears," three times in a row. And then finally got to the next line, "pride ruled my will. Remember not past years."
Only today am I realizing the significance of this line.
That night, I came home and cried and cried and cried.I had finished the song strong and felt like I had done my part, but again, nothing anybody said had meaning. I was incredibly upset. All weekend I pleaded with my Heavenly Father for peace, to be satisfied with my performance. And still, nothing. I was so disappointed with myself. All week, I tried to damper the feeling. I didn't want to get over it, but if I buried it deep enough, I wouldn't have to worry about it. Instead it just sat inside of me. Taunting me and festering me.
I thought writing a blog post about self-confidence would take away the feeling, but writing that didn't work. Instead I came up with this post. I realized just how much "pride ruled my will." I am blessed with an incredible talent. That talent is NOT my voice. That talent is to be able to communicate my testimony through song. That talent is to uplift and connect with people through music. That talent is to take my knowledge and inspire other people to gain their own, through music.
My choir teacher always said, "The purpose of music is not to impress, but to inspire."
How could I forget that?? Pride ruled my will.
I'm still incredibly embarrassed. I feel like I had one chance, and I choked. I feel like my performance was not acceptable.
But I have to move on. "Remember not past years."
Jesus loves me no matter what. This week has been extremely hard. I'm in this rut that I can't get out of. But I'm striving to figure out what I'm supposed to learn here. I've already learned so much! But I have so much more to learn. So please bear with me. If I'm overly moody or break into tears, just know that I'm working on it.
Thanks for reading this super long post.
Also, don't blame my high school directors for anything. They're people too and working just as hard as I am.