AFTER the trial of my faith.

There are so many things that I could say in this post and so many explanations that I feel like I might owe to my readers (HA. I say this like I have a fan base..what a joke.) however, it's not time for that. These past few weeks have been physically, emotionally, and spiritually trying, but I have learned SO much. Nights of anxiety and silent battles have slowly faded away. Now I'm left with the good stuff. The knowledge that I gained as I cried over my scriptures or called my parents in despair. And some of it is really awesome so I just have to share.

Most of you know that I've been really anxious about my future. Mission vs School vs Beauty School. Over and over and over in my head. I started heading in one direction. But a little epiphany and one conversation later put that direction on hold. And these words rang in my head, "It doesn't matter as much what career you choose. Heavenly Father wants you to give yourself to Him and become a good person like Him." My daddy's a smart one, no?
And then this quote, "Anything that a woman does with full purpose of heart, with an eye to the glory of God, as an expression of her dedication to doing what the Lord asks of her individual talents and abilities for the betterment of people and thereby society, is worthwhile and valuable work - is ordained of God." -HDH

And then this video.

And then I was still racked with pain and indecision. I had a blessing, I was going to the temple, I studied my scriptures, I fasted, I was praying my little heart out, but still nothing. BUT I DIDN'T GIVE UP. I knew that it would come eventually. All I needed was peace.

And then it started to come. I forgot that healing is a process. I forgot that just like revelation, peace doesn't always come over night. Sometimes it slowly creeps up on you, after you've worked and worked and worked. I forgot that sometimes you have to have faith and work and then work some more.
I forgot that just because I was willing to give myself to the Lord didn't mean that it was going to be rainbows and butterflies!
Ether 12.6
6 And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that ^afaith is things which are^bhoped for and ^cnot seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no ^dwitness until after the ^etrial of your faith.

And then this blog post.
http://aspiringmormonwomen.org/2014/04/02/deliverance/

So life is good. I'm back. I'm up and running.
More details about my life to come. :)

I'm just special.

I know what you all have been thinking. Wow! I wish Emily would post more about her embarrassing life!
Never fear. Your dreams are coming true today.
I recently managed to get myself a job at my local Macey's grocery store. Right now I'm a bagger so it's pretty easy work, the hours aren't tough, and it's been pretty good. Today was the beginning of our "Case Lot" sale. Pretty much they just sell a bunch of stuff in bulk for super cheap - but it mostly includes cans. Lots and lots of cans.
The plus side to this is that the cans are usually bought by the case (hence the name "case lot") so we can just scan one can from the case and move along.
WELL.
I had some serious issues with getting the scanner in the perfect angle to scan the can without unwrapping the case. Instead, I ended up just destroying the wrapping of the case, grabbing a single can out, and scanning it. It was taking AGES and I was so embarrassed!
This was at one cash register. After failing multiple times there, I moved down to another cash register. This one being run by a rather handsome young man. Very nice. Very polite. Pretty funny. Hoping I could impress him with my can scanning skills, I eagerly met the customer with the scanner to get all their cans. I struggled for a bit, but with the help and guidance of cashier man, I was able to successfully scan the case of cans without damaging the wrapping! I was so excited that I let out this...noise. Not like a "hooray!" or "yeah!" but more like a duck quack...or a horn. It wouldn't have been too embarrassing except it was LOUD. It was like I completely lost my composure and made a fool of myself.
"That was pretty loud!" I said.
"Yeah...yeah it was." He responded.
We all laughed it off, I regained my composure, work went on.
The next cart full of cans, I was at the ready with my scanner. "Don't get too excited!" Cashier man joked.
"Oh, I'll try not too," was my nervous reply.
I got to the cart and turned into a scanning machine. I was doing so well! All without any loud noises coming from my mouth. I scanned the last item, happy with my success. At this point, I was behind the shopping cart, underneath the handle. With every ounce of vigor and vim, I stood up and BAAAMMM. I hit my head on the cart handle. HARD.
Are you kidding me???
"You're welcome!" was my reply as I stood up. "I'm actually just here for entertainment."
Seriously. I'm like a walking circus.
Needless to say, we had plenty of things to laugh about during my long shift. Hopefully it entertained you as much as it did my coworkers and myself.
God bless America.

Pride Ruled My Will

Last weekend. It was maybe the best and the worst weekend of my entire life.
Friday was Valentine's Day. And instead of getting in my pajama's and watching Netflix while stuffing my face with chocolate, I was in Salt Lake. My choir was able to participate in the Church Music Festival. Composers from all over the world wrote songs, turned them in, and winners were chosen. We were given a huge spiral bound book of all the winner's songs and we sang them in the Assembly Hall on Temple Square.
Now, before I get into details, I want to emphasize what a wonderful night it was. The spirit was SO strong - overwhelming even. Angels were clearly with us as we sang. Suddenly we were able to remember words, notes, and rhythms; our tone, diction, and sound was beautiful. It was powerful.
For this performance I was asked to sing a solo. The song is familiar, "Lead, Kindly Light" but the arrangement was different and it was difficult for me to learn.
On top of that, I felt an immense amount of pressure from myself to do well. All through high school, I never felt like my contribution was appreciated, particularly in my drama and choir departments. I constantly heard things like, "You're very talented, but we need to give someone else a chance." or "You could have played any role, but we needed to give it to other people." As a result, I felt like I never really got the chance to prove myself or showcase my talent. And when I was given a chance, the pressure was on. I felt like I'd better not disappoint because such great things were expected of me. I would be so worried about impressing, that I forgot the talent I really did have and ended up delivering a pretty crappy performance.
That being said, I don't particularly blame my director or choir teacher for this. Yes, in many cases, things were said that should not have been, but for the most part, it was my own fault. I put the pressure on myself and let too many bad thoughts creep into my head.
My life.
Every since being in Latter-Day Voices, things have been a little different. I've felt like my talent is recognized. I have felt loved and encouraged and noticed. I have felt like my director notices my talent and has been willing to let me share it with other people. My hard work does not go by unnoticed, and my contribution is appreciated.
So back to my solo. The solo was given to me and it was hard. Immediately feelings from high school crept back in. Before I even rehearsed, I set myself up for failure.
This is it. This is my "big break" and I have to prove to everyone that I deserve this solo. Everyone in choir hates that I got it. I'm going to do bad. I want to do good. I have to impress and inspire. I have to bring the spirit. This is too hard for me.
Are some of this thoughts ridiculous? Absolutely. Are they real? 100%.
Performance time came and I was more nervous than ever in my life. I was paralyzed with fear. Nothing that anyone said could take away my feelings or my fear. I began the song and things were going well. ...until the second verse. At which point, I forgot the words. But I kept singing. I didn't pause, I didn't make a face, I just kept going. I sang the words, "I loved the garish day and spite of fears," three times in a row. And then finally got to the next line, "pride ruled my will. Remember not past years."
Only today am I realizing the significance of this line.
That night, I came home and cried and cried and cried.I had finished the song strong and felt like I had done my part, but again, nothing anybody said had meaning. I was incredibly upset. All weekend I pleaded with my Heavenly Father for peace, to be satisfied with my performance. And still, nothing. I was so disappointed with myself. All week, I tried to damper the feeling. I didn't want to get over it, but if I buried it deep enough, I wouldn't have to worry about it. Instead it just sat inside of me. Taunting me and festering me.
I thought writing a blog post about self-confidence would take away the feeling, but writing that didn't work. Instead I came up with this post. I realized just how much "pride ruled my will." I am blessed with an incredible talent. That talent is NOT my voice. That talent is to be able to communicate my testimony through song. That talent is to uplift and connect with people through music. That talent is to take my knowledge and inspire other people to gain their own, through music.
My choir teacher always said, "The purpose of music is not to impress, but to inspire."
How could I forget that?? Pride ruled my will.
I'm still incredibly embarrassed. I feel like I had one chance, and I choked. I feel like my performance was not acceptable.
But I have to move on. "Remember not past years."
Jesus loves me no matter what. This week has been extremely hard. I'm in this rut that I can't get out of. But I'm striving to figure out what I'm supposed to learn here. I've already learned so much! But I have so much more to learn. So please bear with me. If I'm overly moody or break into tears, just know that I'm working on it.
Thanks for reading this super long post.
Also, don't blame my high school directors for anything. They're people too and working just as hard as I am.

Two paths, two worlds, two choices

As most of you know, I am currently studying Elementary Education at Utah State. What most of you may not know is that it hasn't exactly been my cup of tea. I did not enjoy my entry level class and the application process into the program is very time consuming and costly. Essentially you have to be all in or all out. Except I don't know if I'm in or I'm out! I know that I am completely capable of getting into the program and working hard and being fantastic...but I don't know if my heart really lies in the teaching field.

What I really love is to get to know people. I love to make relationships with people and hear their stories. Everyone has something different to share - something to teach and thrive off of learning about that! My two childhood career dreams were to to become a teacher or go to beauty school.

Teaching requires you to get to know your students on a deep level - especially elementary school teaching. You have to know and understand the students needs, wants, desires, etc. Knowing their background and their family also helps you understand the way they learn and you can help them. All of this is appealing to me. I love children and it incorporates things that I love to do.

I have ALWAYS dreamed of going to beauty school. At first, I worried that people would judge me and think that I wasn't smart. I got over that really quickly. My next worry became that it wasn't a realistic career choice. It was a fun idea, but it could never really happen. When I decided that I really did love making relationships with people and hearing their stories, cosmetology obviously seemed like the perfect. Let's be real, beauticians are like therapists. There is something about sitting in that chair that makes people comfortable and easy to talk to. I love this idea. I love doing hair, I love making people feel beautiful, and I love talking and helping them relax!

I've done an internship and spent hours in classrooms. I work with children frequently and I know that I like this career option. The schooling is hard, but I know that I am capable and prepared to get my hands dirty and start working.

I've shadowed a beautician and toured a beauty school. I love the environment, I love the excitement of this career option. The schooling is equally challenging and very expensive, but I know that I am again, capable of doing it.

I can see myself in both career options. I can see myself in the front of a classroom teaching a room full of eager, excited children. I feel comfortable with this choice.It feels natural and simple. But I can see myself cutting hair too. I can see myself running a salon out of my home and raising a family. I like the non-traditional feel that this career path has. I like the idea of being different and doing something outside of my comfort zone.

Teaching is a career that would be put on hold while I raise my family, cutting hair is not.
Elementary Education will take me 4 years, Beauty school will take me 1 year.

So I feel like I have to choose one or the other. Although sometimes I think :

But that would be SO much time and money!! What if I get married? I don't want either dream to be squashed. I need one or the other. But why not both?

The struggle is real with decision making today. 

What are your thoughts? In the end, this is ultimately my decision, but I'd love your opinions!

Mulan is probably pretty ticked.

With the release of the popular new Disney movie, Frozen, social media has blown up with quotes, memes, gifs, etc. Many of you know my feelings about above mentioned movie. (Thought it was pretty good, but don't think it was anything truly monumental. That's a different story.)
ANYWAY.
Among the many memes, I found several similar to this:

Pardon the language. 

I just feel the need to point out that Frozen isn't actually the first Disney princess movie that proves that you don't need a man to save you. 

Mulan: She literally saved all of China. Are you kidding me??? She definitely didn't need a man to save her.

Belle: Gave up her life so that her father could live. She did NOT fall in love with someone she just met. Obviously. That girl saved lives. Minus Gaston's....

Cinderella: Come ON! Give her a break! Of course she fell in love with the first man she met! She was practically a slave for her whole life! #youwouldto

Tiana: Worked her BUTT off to get what she wanted and would have gotten it even if Prince Naveen hadn't showed up. In fact, I'm pretty sure she saved Prince Naveen. Jokes on you. 

Pocahontas: Saved John Smith at the expense of her own heart.

And for the sake of being politically Disney correct, Princess Leia just kicks butt.  

Now, I will admit that Disney does have it's string of hopeless princesses. Jasmine, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Rapunzel, Ariel, and Meg were all saved by men. But that didn't mean that their lives were sunshine and roses either!

And if my memory serves me correctly...Kristoff kind of plays a huge role in saving Anna.

So Frozen isn't actually the first movie to teach girls that they don't need a man to save them. In fact, it doesn't actually teach girls that at all!

I'm all for women's rights and women power and all that jazz, but maybe we shouldn't press the fact that women are better than men, because we're not! How about we all just work together as an equal team? That sounds like a solid idea to me. Just sayin.
May your Disney movies be merry and bright.

Edit: My roommate just found this

Better to have loved and lost...

It's late. And most of my friends would tell you that with my emotions running so high and the hour being so late, it would be best for me to sleep rather than to speak to anyone.
But I tried sleep. And it didn't work. So talking is obviously the medicine tonight.

Towards the end of my junior high career and at the beginning of my high school career, I, like so many other hormone driven girls, was boy crazy. I liked boys. A lot. And a few of them even liked me back. I was okay with flirting. I liked the attention. I didn't mind dumb-ing myself down so that a boy would like me.
During this time, I shared reciprocal "like" feelings with 3 boys. They liked me, I liked them, we talked/texted non-stop. Everyone secluded us as a couple. But when things started to go somewhere, I knew it was wrong and I backed out. To this day I have never even held a boy's hand.
My junior year, I fell hard for a boy the grade above me. When I found out that my best friend liked him, I tried to go for his best friend. After trying both of them, I found out that neither of them had feelings for me. Instead they both had feelings for my best friend. This was the hardest time in my life. I spent my entire year chasing after these boys, dying to make them fall in love with me. I didn't understand what I was doing wrong.
I soon became their best friends. I was so close to them - like a sister. The two of them shared everything with me. From girls, to family, to school. I easily knew them better than anyone else. At this point, I became extremely emotionally attached to these two boys. They began to share with me their personal lives - things that really should not be shared with a 17 year old girl. But I loved it. I thought that the more they shared with me, the closer they would be to realizing that I was really the one that they loved.
I became addicted to these boy's addictions. I was in a constant state of worrying about them and trying to fix their lives for them.
This was obviously a very unhealthy situation.
These young men were seniors. So when graduation came, they moved on with their lives and I was left in the dust. I certainly had intentions of staying close to them, but they clearly did not have intentions of staying close to me.
I soon found myself a senior in high school, holding the position of Student Director, Drama Vice President, a member of the Seminary Council, and completely alone.
I had no one.
I had spent so much time wishing that these boys would love me, that I forgot about other people. I became so bitter in my loneliness, that I didn't even want to bother making friends with anyone.
Again, more than ever, I just wanted a boyfriend. I wanted to feel loved.
So, to keep the pattern, I went after another boy. This boy, nobody really knew. I slowly became his friend and we started to get close. It got to a point in our relationship that something HAD to happen. I didn't think we could stay in the friend zone that we were in. But a conversation we had proved me wrong. I learned that night that I would forever stay his friend, but could never be more than friends.
I was not asked to a single dance my senior year. Minus Prom..where I went with mentioned best friend.

I came to college with really high expectations. During the summer I felt useless. Nobody wanted me. I was clearly not pretty enough, not talented enough, or not smart enough for anyone. I had people tell me over and over and over again that that wasn't true, but I could never believe them. I wanted someone to SHOW me I was pretty! To show me that I was more than just second best. I thought that college would fix all of that. I thought that the minute I got up here, millions of boys would be knocking at my door wanting to date me and marry me.

That didn't happen.

I became more confused than ever. I continued to see patterns of me liking someone, them liking my best friend, and me being left to second place.
NOW. I blame this all on myself. These are all feelings that I chose to have. I didn't have to be bitter and I didn't have to be closed off. But I was. And there is no going back and changing that.

I've cleared my past experiences. I've healed broken hearts and crushed dreams. The past no longer haunts me. But what isn't gone is my desire for love.
I am so very well aware of the people around me who love me. I feel love from my parents and family every single day. My roommates let me know that they love me and my friends let me know that they love me. My Heavenly Father ESPECIALLY lets me know that He loves me. He lets me know every day that His love is eternal. That His love is most important. And that I can thrive with just His love.
But I crave more than that.
I want to give my heart to someone. I want to share a relationship. I want someone to care about me SO much and I want to care about them.
I'm sick of being told that I'm "too young" or I "still have plenty of time" or I "should focus on school" or I "should go on a mission instead" or that I'll "find someone when the time is right."
These are all things that I know! I'm not going to snap at the first boy who comes my way and I am NOT going to settle. But I still want to be loved.

So I'm sitting here, feeling very alone tonight. I had two friends share exciting news with me today. Exciting for them, but a little heart-wrenching for me. Just another reminder that I've never held hands and I've never been kissed and I've never been in love. Tonight, I wish more than anything to have loved and lost...because it sure would be better that to have never loved at all.

Bless My Heart.

Today I walked into my 9:00 class, Human Development. This class, similar to a few others, is extremely large and full of girls who are studying Elementary Education, FACS, FCHD, Social Work, etc. Though I am an Elementary Education major myself, this isn't really my crowd. So I walked into class 4 minutes before it started. Most of the seats were full. Last class I had definitely sat in the wrong seat and I did not want to make that mistake again! I sat next to someone who didn't look as preppy or excited (the judgement is real). I introduced myself, she introduced herself, and I started to get my things out. I knew that I needed to get my iClicker out first because that is the teacher's way of taking roll. But then I had this panic attack because I thought I had forgot it, so my looking and gathering of items became more frantic.
I'm starting to get panicky and embarrassed and of course, that is when my neighbor decides to start talking to me. She asked me a question, but I, so surprised that anyone would talk to me, freaked out and dropped my phone at the same time I pulled my iClicker out of my backpack. "Oh, I just dropped my phone..uh..what did you ask? Um.." I begin to look for my phone, but before I can put my head down, I see that my name popped up on the screen. This was my one shot at checking in for attendance! "I uh..hang on..um..what?" I stumble with my iClicker. What the. How do I even work this thing? What is technology? Where am I?? I finally clock in. Check. "Sorry about that, let me get my phone and then I'll try to answer your question." I reach down to get my phone and BOOM. Hit my head on the chair of the person next to me. "WOW. My life," was my only response. Grab my phone. "Okay. What was your question again?"
Class progresses.
Someone comes and sits next to me. The professor begins class and tells us to meet someone new. I already knew the girl on the left, so I introduce myself to the girl on the right. I recognize her name. "Oh! I think I sat on you...I mean, oh heavens, I didn't sit ON you, I sat next to you last time.." No response. "Yeah..okay..cool."
Hooray for the awkwardness of my life today and every day.